Funny Quotes for Baby Eating His Hands

If you're feeling down, these funny dad quotes we compiled will definitely make you chuckle nonstop and lift up your mood as dads joke about being a dad, tease, embarrass, and crack up their children with their hysterical antics, and children cracking up with their dads' advice and insults.

Funny Dad Quotes

1. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan

2. Dad is a big Pokemon Go player. Once while folding clothes he exclaimed "Alright I caught all the laundrymon".

3. I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I'd be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask. – Will Arnett

4. The worst thing that can happen to a man is his wife comes home and he has lost the child. "How did everything go?" "Great, we're playing hide and seek and he's winning." – Sinbad

5. Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything's momma. What's the dad song? 'Papa Was a Rolling Stone'. – Chris Rock

6. My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't like any of them.

7. When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape. – Dave Attell

8. I gave my father $100 and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my mother. – Rita Rudner

9. My wife just let me know I'm about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids. – Brian Kiley

10. My sisters and I can still recite Dad's grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1. – Connie Schultz

11. I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield

12. I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors. – Hilary Price

13. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. – Bill Cosby

14. I love my dad because even though he has Alzheimer's, he remembers the important things. He can't remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him. – Thyra Lees-Smith

15. Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. – Chris Martin

16. My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. – Glenn Super

17. Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always work. – Shahrukh Khan

18. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.  – Jack Handey

19. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. – Bob Monkhouse

20. To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. – Ernest Hemingway

21. Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. – Al Unser

22. There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep. – Jim Gaffigan

23. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

24. I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. – Eugene Mirman

25. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart

26. My daughter got me a World's Best Dad mug. So we know she's sarcastic.  – Bob Odenkirk

27. If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly. – Cathy Ladman

28. Once my dad went to the grocery store and the cashier asked "if you want the milk in the bag" he said, "just leave it in the carton".

29. My sister once asked my dad what he thought of her dating someone named Hansel, all he said back was "I bet you'd regGRETEL that".

30. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield

31. Watching "Chicken Run," my dad suddenly exclaimed "Yeah, right. All those chickens working together like that."

32. When walking through the incontinence section at the grocery store dad would say "Why buy 'depends'? I'd want the 'for sures'".

33. Dad listening to me teaching mom how to put an app on her iPhone. Me: Go to the App Store. Dad: You have to go to the store?

34. My dad told me he accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces and he wasn't looking forward to his next bowel movement.

35. One time I saw him Google "Do you think croutons go bad?" as if he wanted to know the website's specific opinion on the matter.

36. Whenever I would tell my dad that I was going to the bathroom he would reply, "Mention my name and you'll get a good seat".

37. My Dad used to ask us to turn up the TV by saying "Make them people talk louder".

You may also enjoy: 110 I love My Dad Quotes.

38. After an incredible 3-hour whale watching tour. Dad: That was awesome. I think I got some great pics. Hands me his phone. When I checked the gallery I saw a bunch of pictures of his forehead because he didn't know the camera was on a selfie mode the whole time.

39. Mom: Who should we put as our emergency contact for the cruise? Dad: The Coast Guard.

40. My Dad always says, "I'm a fart smeller. I mean a smart father."

41. While driving, my dad would often yell "Quick, grab paper and pencil." As we searched and asked why he'd say "It says Draw Bridge."

42. My dad used to tell me, "Remember, if a stranger offers you candy, make sure that there is enough to go around".

43. Checking out at Walmart, my dad yells "Ok its time to get you back to the ward before they realize you got out."

44. Went to dinner at a baseball-themed restaurant and before every order, he would point to us and say "And now up to bat.."

45. Till this day, my dad still thinks Gwen says "there ain't no harm in that, girl" instead of "I ain't no Hollaback girl."

46. I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war. – George W. Bush

47. Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano

48. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain

49. Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. – Jim Gaffigan

50. When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.' – Jerry Lewis

51. I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?' – Bill Hicks

52. My husband is English so I figured he'd have some thoughts about the royal wedding back in May, at the very least. "So how do you feel?" I asked him, just as Meghan was about to walk down the aisle. "I feel comfortable," he said, gesturing to the couch. Yep, that's all I got.

53. My dad cracks me up. One time has asked, "You're on twitter? What's your hashtag?"

54. I called my dad to see if he had a stud finder and he casually replied, "Mom's at work."

55. A teen shouted at his Dad: It's not your job to embarrass me. He replied, "I know." Then smiled and said, "It's one of the perks".

56. On my first driving lesson, we passed the cemetery and  my dad said, "Buckle up, that's where the bad drivers go".

57. Once my dad came to my band show and didn't take any pictures. I asked him why and he said: "Nobody wants to remember this".

58. "It was you or another cat. Make sure I don't regret this." My husband speaking to our son when he was born.

59. My dad told me back then, "When you start a new job, don't talk a lot. This way they won't know how dumb you are." I said, "Thanks, dad." Guess he was right.

60. At the airport, my dad said, "Put one shoe in each suitcase so if it gets stolen they can't wear your shoes."

61. My dad asked me, "Son, have I been a good father?" I said, "Dad, you're the best. Why do you ask?"  He said, "I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault." – Stu Trivax

62. I phoned my dad to tell him I stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. – Steven Pearl

63. You gotta love dads. At my wedding, when I tripped on my wedding dress and fell flat on my face, Dad said, "Don't worry, you'll do better next time." – Melanie White

64. My father didn't ask me to leave home. He took me down to the highway and pointed. – Henny Youngman

65. I am an expert on electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. – W. C. Fields

66. My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. – Harry Hill

67. I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies. – Tony ‏

68. My dad's been around the block a time or two. That's about as far as he can go without getting lost. – Melanie White

69. My dad said I'd never amount to anything. Lucky guess. – David Cousins

70. My dad's pants kept creeping up on him. By 65 he was just a pair of pants and a head. – Jeff Altman

71. My father hugged me only once, on my 21st birthday. It was very awkward. I now know what it was that made me feel uncomfortable: the nudity. – Ray Romano

72. My father would give us previews of coming attractions. "Do I have to get the belt?" "Oh no, Dad, we'd prefer that shovel with the nails in it." – Jack Gallagher

73. My dad is not real bright, but I love the guy. We go to this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere. My dad looks around and says, "This guy is really good." – Fred Wolf

74. The greatest advantage mothers have over fathers, is knowing which children really belong to them. – Ham on Wry

75. My dad, 86 years old and he's still working. God bless him. He's a pimp, and he's out there every night. – Jonathan Katz

76. My dad's hearing is gone, and his mind is slowly following. He called me up the other night, very excited. He said, "Jonathan, when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't have to turn on the light; the light goes on automatically. When I'm done, the light goes off automatically." I said, "Dad, you're peeing in the fridge, and it's got to stop." – Jonathan Katz

77. All fathers are intimidating because they're fathers. Once a man has children, his attitude is, "To hell with the world. I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want. And I'll create whoever I want." – Jerry Seinfeld

78. A Father is one whose daughter marries a man who is vastly her inferior but then gives birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

79. One day my boys will wise up and realize they get to stay up playing video games only as long as I'm winning. – AristotlesNZ

80. Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you're 12, but every day." – Mike Myers

81. It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone's children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he's got four teeth like they care. – Seth Meyers

82. Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive. – Rodney Dangerfield

83. My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people. – Dominic Dierkes

84. Most of the time I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake. – Jim Gaffigan

85. I tease my kids. I'm big on that. Like, my kids have big heads. I tell them every day like, 'Dude, your heads are huge. It's so disgusting how big your heads are.' I say it before anybody else does. – Kevin Hart

86. I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is that you end up barking out orders. – Will Ferrel

87. Just thought my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. – Conan O'Brien

88. We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.' – Erma Bombeck

89. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children. – Clarence Darrow

Read also: 125 First Father's Day Quotes.

90. Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story. Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why? – James Breakwell

91. Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. – John Kinnear

92. On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting Daddy's freedom. – Ryan Reynolds

93. I'm probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know — as far as they are concerned anyway — 'cause I'm Dad. I mean dads just aren't cool — especially when I dance. They don't want me to dance. – Tim McGraw

94. I just sit there and makeup songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish, I'm very good at gibberish now. – Elton John

95. Taye Diggs "How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur, and I can't even remember my home phone number?"

96. My dad called and said he was buying something to bring us closer together, it was 2 burial plots next to each other.

97. Last Thanksgiving I told my dad that families are supposed to be kind and loving. His response? "Eh, find another family".

98. I told my dad I was moving to Hawaii and he said, "All them island will sink at the end of time".

99. "She is a liberated woman, she doesn't have to wear a bra", my dad said about my 64-year-old mother.

100. At the zoo, with my dad, he turns to us and says, "Girls, I just stepped on a frog" we rushed over and realized he had farted.

101. You can't scare me. I have two daughters.

102. It annoys the hell out of me whenever my dad would say, "You're entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts."

103. Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do.

104. Dad, you've always been the coolest. Like all those times you said "Yes" when mom said "No."

105. I asked my dad if I looked fat in my bathing suit at the beach and he said, "Keep drinking and you won't care".

106. When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.

107. My dad always tells me, "Don't use your turn signal. It's no one else's business where you're going."

108. Dad, thanks for being slightly embarrassing than all the other dads.

109. Dad, thanks for putting up with my crap. Literally.

110. I overheard mom telling dad, "Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity. You are truly an inspiration."

111. Dads against daughters dating shoot the first one and the word will spread.

112. My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack.

113. With age comes new skills. You can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all the same time.

114. Life doesn't come with a tool kit, it comes with a Dad.

115. Dad, you're even cooler than my iPad speech app.

116. My dad asked, "You seen my cell phone?" and I said, "What's it look like?" Then he angrily answered back, "Like two horses fucking. It's a phone, son. It looks like a phone."

117. Hang on guys, I think my toddler is getting to the good part of his four-hour long story and I don't want to miss it.

118. On our way to the airport, I was very nervous t travel to Europe solo for the first time. My dad out of nowhere asked, "So you've seen that movie taken right? I'm not him."

119. When I was older my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. He said, "You learned how to catch pretty quick."

120. Friendly career advice from my father. Never take a job where you can be replaced by a bucket of sand.

121. My dad always said, "You better go to church every Sunday. We need somebody into this family to go to heaven."

122. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull

123. Some of the greatest lies ever told by your children are, "I forgot", "I'll pay you back later, and "It was like that when I found it." – Bill Cosby

124. Thanks, dad, for not ever really shooting any of my boyfriends.

125. My dad took an entire cake into his bedroom once. A few seconds later I heard him quietly whisper to himself "Okay let's do this."

126. As a father, I've always noticed my children act like they fuck with me but I just act like I believe them.

127. My dad told me, "When you get pulled over and a cop asks you to say the alphabet just say, "The alphabet."

128. Like father like daughter. I'm not surprised.

129. I told my dad to take vitamins and he says "I'm good, I take Vitamin B every day. Vitamin Bud Light."

130. I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child. Thanks, Dad.

131. Yes, I do have a beautiful daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.

132. My father in law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

133. Sorry that mommy has to teach you how to be a man. Daddy was more of a bitch than we initially thought.

134. I saw dad with mom last night. I think he was stealing my milk.

135. Dad, thanks for giving me just enough emotional baggage to be in a creative field but not enough to be a prostitute.

136. If I could give you one thing in life my son, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then you would realize what a piece of shit you are.

137. I heard dad ranting the other day saying, "You know what I need? A selfie stick. So whenever I see someone taking a selfie, I can hit them with the stick."

138. Dad: I need to get into shape. Me: Dad, a round is a shape.

139. I told my dad that my grades weren't that good and he said was "better get the snorkel ready if you're going below C level".

140. All you deadbeat dads should dress up like fathers for Halloween.

141. My dad really knows how to calm my egotistical self down. He said, "Oh sure you're street smart. Sesame Street smart."

142. Rules for dating my daughter: get a job, understand I don't like you, I'm everywhere, you hurt her I hurt you, be home 30 minutes early, get a lawyer, if you lied to me I will find out, she's my princess, not your conquest, I don't mind going back to jail, whatever you do to her I will do to you.

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Source: https://www.fathermag.com/funny-dad-quotes/

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